So I went to my friend's mum's birthday party tonight. >.< I haven't felt that uncomfortable in a while. I knew my family and my friend's family, a total of 8 people, out of 19 people. After a while I just sat there. My friend and her other friend decided to try and diagnose me with anorexia. When that didn't work they tried bulimia. Yeah, I eat too little. But I don't think I'm fat. So shut up!

I think I'm going to get a few zines and study them, do my research before I get stuck into something that won't float. I wish I could find someone to start up a zine with...but sometimes I do think I could do it on my own, because I sometimes think that other people go along with me and don't put their all into something...which gets me pissed off so I think I'm better off working on my own, and asking for submissions later. But for now, it's research. Find out about other people's styles, techniques, content, what inspires them.

I've got a lot of addresses of distros around the UK; so I'm going to go to the post office someday soon or some random corner shop and ask for a book of stamps....I might need them :)

I'm quite possibly weird. I like writing letters, getting them, and generally sending and receiving things through the hole in the door. It's fun, but I'm not sure if it should be this much fun.

I wish something was properly, diagnostically wrong with me, rather than just being an emotional hormonal teenage wreck.

Anyway. Today was...uninteresting. I made a pizza from scratch, dough, sauce and all, because I was that bored. Sometimes I want to be more independent, less nervous, because then I might learn to let go of the 'friends' that are only making me feel worse. I wonder whats' worse, not having friends, or having friends that don't want to speak to you? Either way, it does wonders for my self-esteem. The people I trusted with my life and call my 'best friends' I have known for roughly three years. That's not a very long time, is it? (is it?)

Pff. I'm going to the doctor's soon, again. I'll see what she can do because I'm not sure if I can take valoid with paracetamol, and it's not a lot of use really; I'm not feeling nauseous, but I still have blinding headaches, and panic because of the valoid. Fantastique!

...I'm tired of being lonely. I don't want to resort to self-destruction to keep myself occupied, whatever form it takes, but it's the most fun. I don't often have the courage or...I dunno...'sense' I suppose, to organise even a trip into the town. Others think I don't want to go out, so they don't invite me anywhere, plus they've got friends that they '<33333!', and I hardly know anyone because it seems like I'm antisocial. Plus everyone else's friends like the same movies, the same bands/genres, or talk/act the same way...my friends just think I'm weird and nerdy, and that I'm sad because I only watch two TV shows, and I like local bands (that a: they haven't heard of and b: they think would be crap).

Smashing. I'm spending my days popping pills and drawing. Fun enough the first two days...

*sighs*

The solution to all my problems: 'Get a social life and/or more friends.' Simple enough, yes? NO! I don't fucking know how to! I don't even know how to start a conversation with anyone without stuttering or just feeling completely ashamed of myself.

Crapcrapcrap.

I am just going to not have friends. I don't work well with other people, anyway. I don't understand half of the emotions and thoughts running through people's heads.

Yeah...this is where the "EMO KID!" chants come in, I betcha.

Of course.

The sad feelings give me a twisted kind of comfort, something warm and squashy, to bury my face into, hiding from everyone. The starers, the pointers, the laughers, the whisperers, the worriers, the cuddlers, the people that I don't want around.

Maybe it's apple-scented. Imagine that.

I've been listening to a lot of Radiohead recently. They're a good band. There's a bit in the video for Paranoid Android, where he climbs up to the top of the lamp-post, and sits up there, with his knees tucked in underneath his chin, and he's away from everyone else. I want to do that, but I'm scared of heights...

 Up with the birds :)

I am... a complicated, infuriating, apparently cyclothymic individual.
I want...the impossible.
I miss...every chance to tell you everything.
I want to go...to somewhere with lots of apples.
So many people dont know…the things I don’t tell them.
My Heart is... 'cold, dark, broken' (?) existent.
I wish…that I wasn’t so cynical.

I went out to see Pirates 3 again, with David and Richard. We went to Pizza Hut before that, and shared a humongous Hawaiian pizza. David had to tell me every five minutes to "EAT!". Got fucking annoying after the first, oh, one time. Sore neck from front row seats, which sucked. Spent most of it feeling disgustingly piggy, restless and uncomfortable.

Spent today with fucked-up vision and focus, anxiety about visiting a car boot sale, and other things comparable to sponge cake.

I've got a recipe for appleade, I'm going to go and try it out now. Will post later about results.

EDIT:
The appleade was good. Nearly had another panic attack at Fusion, joy.

I had another panic attack at lunchtime today, because my friends and I got FUCKING BEATEN UP.

They only did it because there was 20 of them and 3 of us. Because we were on 'their' bench. I mean, come on. That's stupid. It's not 'their' bench!

Yeah, so stuff happened, they threw things at us, they wrecked our bags and uniform, they surrounded us and screamed in our faces, they hit us...

Basically as soon as I ended up curled up by myself screaming and crying and shaking like hell, and my friends screamed at them 'she's got EPILEPSY! We don't know what you've done!' they ran off. Fucking cowards. I think...I don't know. Thank goodness for photo records, or else we'd never have got some names...they'll get what they deserve, that's all I'm saying.